The cut is deep and so perhaps you will even still see it when you are older and always wonder what happened. The story is insignificant. You were on the stairs at day care and hot your face on a piece of the railing while one of your friends at daycare was having a meltdown for some non-physical injury. Not the greatest story to tell.
What you might not know is what you taught me today. What I learned from hearing you get hurt.
I don't mind saying that in the last few years you have taught me how to love. Your sister too. Sure I love my mom and my family and even some friends. And there is no denying the deep love I feel for your mother. I know it seems cliche but the love of a child is different. You wholly depend on me and your mother for nearly everything. You are also a living, breathing, and babbling literal piece of me so how could that NOT make me understand love in a different way.
But if you taught me to love in a different way then today I learned that you also have...
side bar, this is happening now. you saw me typing in my room and inserted yourself between me and the computer. you have now said "george" like 6 times hoping I would acquiesce (BTW that was the word of the day for you a few days ago) and put on an episode of Curious George. After a few minutes of me not giving in to your toddler terrorism, you up and left me again.
Back to it: If you taught me to love in a different way then today I also learned that you taught me to hurt in a different way. To feel panic in a different way. To worry in a different way.
I always knew something would happen and probably soon with the way that you explore life fully and throw yourself into situations. I knew I would have to face a time when you hurt yourself and I would have to fix it. I didn't know to what extent that would be or how I would react...
Your mother called me at work. I was at a desk with a branch manager at the Midway branch. I answered and your mother asked me if I saw the pictures that Jill had sent and told me what happened. Before she could even finish I was asking her irrational questions that she of course couldn't have the answer too. I composed myself quickly, realizing that the best course of action would be to be rational for you and for your mom. But that panic I initially felt is unlike anything I have ever felt before. Even know I find it unfair. You did nothing wrong. You certainly won't remember it. But I will. Your mother will. And who knows, this deep cut will most likely leave a scar and that will be physical proof that I was unable to protect you today.
I get the rational side and people will tell me there is nothing you could have done while she was at daycare, your kid can't live in a bubble, it will be the first of many. All those things are true and perfectly appropriate things to say. And while they may change what I THINK, it will not change how I FEEL. And today I felt scared. I felt like I let you down. I felt like you are going to hold it against me for the rest of your life, especially if it scars.
I should probably be waiting until the day after to write this so i don't freak out your mother and to add a little perspective of my own to my viewpoint. But I think it's important that I capture these initial feelings, whatever they might be.
And so for you this was the first day you got hurt. Really hurt. It won't be the last. And it probably won't be the worst. Your heart will break and mend perhaps many times over the decades but I will always remember today. Today is the day I found out I can't protect you from the world. Like I said, I always KNEW it but haven't FELT it until today.
So hopefully you don't get a scar and someday you read this as the raving manifesto of a near crazy father. But maybe you have the scar and always wondered what it was from. Well it's from the first time you got hurt. It's from the day Dad had to face he can't always protect you. And it's from the first day Dad realized no matter how hard I try, I cannot control your universe. This has been a tough day indeed.
But I can't leave it on a bad note! No, not at all! Days like today are also a good reminder of how much I love you. How much I will always love you no matter where life takes us. It reminds me how grateful I am to have your mom in my life and how much I love her too. Because she gave me Zelda and she gave me you. No matter how much today might hurt or stop me in my tracks, it also reminds me of how I have it all. Because I have all of you. And while I know I am powerless to always keeps you safe and protect you, it sure doesn't mean that I won't try like hell to do so everyday.
I love you.
Cheers!
-Mitch (Dad-deee)