This perhaps will be a stream of consciousness moment for me so I will just try and ride it out...
Today I came home from a meeting and my life is filled with stressors. I really should be elated as I arrived home early. But my branch is currently offline, creating more work for me, and my wife is looking for daycare and the dog threw up and I missed my incentive and I just found out I have to go to this training tomorrow and and and and and and....
Most likely I am preaching to the choir so my purpose is not to gain sympathy but perhaps I will be amused in my later years as to what I though/currently think is important.
Today I walked into my old branch and I was filled with nostalgia. Although, I am not even sure that is the correct word as it was not that long ago I worked there. But at that time sure we only had one car and I had to sit in the parking lot for 2 hours before my shift started, and Di had to wait to be picked up for an hour after and I made less money base wage than any other person at my level and and and and and. But even looking back that was then and even though it seemed so stressful, it seems very peaceful in retrospect.
Its very hard to achieve catharsis when you recognize your potential audience and their reactions to your raw emotion. So really you cant let it all hang out because it may not be how you feel just how you felt at the time.
At the center of my stressors currently is one Ms. Alera Shanthi Heid. 2 months old and rules my universe. Both current and future. No decisions get made anymore without consulting this little nugget and that shift in perspective I am finding difficult to navigate. Di is also very protective of her like you would want any mother to be. But to counter balance that I need to be less protective. That is the role we play. This is why I love her so much because she truly is the partner that will play devil's advocate and will take up the other side to balance me out even if it not the position she would naturally defend. I do the same for her. The issues lately when it comes to the nugget is I seem like the bad guy when I try to be the voice of reason. But it comes of callous and uncaring. Sometimes you feel really terrible about yourself at the end of the day when somebody asks you: "Do you want to hold her" and your response is: "not really."
So to battle this inconsistent feeling you have for your offspring you seek guidance from other parents that have already been there a time or two. They say it will all be worth it someday. That she always will rule your life current and future. But there will be payoff when she looks at you and calls you "daddy" for the first time. Or you watch her take her first steps or say her first words. For now though you have to be content with your payoff being laughing at the adult sized farts that emanate from her tiny size 1 diapers or when she has a baby conversation with the reflection in the mirror. BUt everyone also says to cherish these moments.
I guess what I am really saying is a simple "I love you daddy" would go a long way right now but she, through no fault of her own, can't give that me.
At some point she will be able to and I am sure the dog throwing up, the finding daycare, the stressed out wife, the pursuit of more money, the branch being offline, the training, the sleepless nights and all the other "ands" will be worth it and reduced to afterthoughts. Bur before we get there it is a struggle to stay motivated and to not let your thoughts wander to "why the hell did we not think of this". And that is an honest question by the way. It is not placing blame and it even does not come from a place of anger. Rather disappointment. As in why was I not smart enough to foresee this as an issue when it seems so obvious now? Why did I not have a real plan and then several backup plans to that plan? Di and I together are a force to be reckoned with, that is for sure. I truly believe there is nothing we cannot overcome as long as we are together. The struggle is having to actually overcome so many issues and having to "figure it out" all the time.
To summarize, and this I will say to you Alera, I look forward to reading this and reminiscing when I am retired, at your house, and holding my granddaughter in my arms. And perhaps it will help you to read this when you have your first to know that I felt this way with you.
I often wonder if my mother had kept a journal or some sort of record would it help me at all or would it just be something I dismiss? Who am I kidding, I was a dream to take care of I am sure...
At any rate, props to all you parents out there who have done this and worked while doing so. To give so much and stress so much for the promise that your kid will be appreciate it someday is quite the gamble. One I know we will win.
Time for a beer.
Cheers!
-Mitch