At the time of these musings this is the first child. So what I will really want to know is how my life has changed thus far. For the most part, not much. At least not yet. I will, however, find myself day dreaming about what my children will be like. Hopefully they like me. Moreover, hopefully my kids are not douchebags. Some kids are.
Last night I was thinking to myself, there is no turning back. Once this child is born I well henceforth forever be a father. This is a title you can never give back and a job that you can never quit. That frightens me.
I am pushing 30 now and have grown accustomed to my own space. I work hard so when I am not at work, leave me alone. That's my feeling anyway.
This is not to say that I am not excited. I most certainly am. I keep telling Di that it is a dad's job to get in trouble with the kid. Of course I know I will be hugely responsible for shaping their life decisions and that is a task I certainly do not take lightly. But what we really have is an opportunity. An opportunity for my kids to have things I never got. Also an opportunity to keep things from them that my parents did.
I know that life will change when this kid emerges, and while I am excited to meet them, I don't know if I want my life to change. At least not in a crazy way. See 30s are for building wealth and building family. I get all that. But with all these responsibilities I don't see how I can add more.
I am stoked though. Don't get me wrong. I am just nervous that something will slip through the cracks. And while I don't want it to be my kids, what if it is. What if the house falls apart because I did not want to take the time to do some concrete patchwork. What if my renters destroy the unit because we decided to let them have a dog? What if I slip in my job and get replaced? What if I start ignoring Annie who has only me and Di for her short time on this earth? What if I miss a baseball game? A recital? A play?
I think now my thoughts are consumed with being awesome. Good is not good enough. I want to know, not by people telling me because that will anger me to no end, how to balance. I want some inherit skill in just knowing how to be awesome. I have to be a good husband, a good owner, a good boss, a good employee, a good person, a good father...I just want to be awesome at everything but what if I can't? What if I get hurt? What if Annie dies too soon and I have to comfort my wife and kids when really I am feeling the loss more than any one of them? What if...
Now somebody can look at this and decide to try and comfort me. To tell me that you just figure it out. To tell me that I will prioritize. To tell me that all of this is normal. People will try to help but that is exactly what I don't want. Why can't I just wonder what if?
Its funny because as I write this I see myself old and wrinkly. Sitting at a wood rolltop desk in the study/library looking out at my grandkids playing in the yard. My crazy gray haired comes up behind me and asks "what are you doing?" then she sees I am reading the blog. More specifically this entry. This would put us at some 30 years later. Double my life so far. I am sure that we will look at this and laugh. Laugh at the children we were even though we are adults. Laugh at the insecurities we felt, no matter how justified. Laugh at the worries we had, even though some of them came through. Laugh at the thought that we might not be good parents because our children tell us we are. We may do each and every one of those things. We may want to travel in time to tell our expecting selves that everything will be okay. That we falter like everyone but on the whole are excellent parents that put our childs needs first. That we will create that wealth despite our disbelief. That we retire early as the envy of all of our friends and family. All of those things are hopefully true. I hope I read this one day and remember how...well scared I was. And I am sure that it will be great. I am sure it will all work out. People could tell me that til I was blue in the face but it does not mean much until it does.
And in all this the one saving grace I have, the one solitary thing that makes me think we will get to the happy grandkids, is the fact that I am worried in the first place. If I wasn't then I would be foolish. I would be disinterested. I am neither of those.
So to the future grandpa version of me. Sorry for the fragmented nature of this post. I know you will be my harshest critic. So much so you will want to disaccosiate yourself with me. But I know you will also smile because these words mean something to you and you always find it fascinating to look back and try to recapture the mindset that spouted these words. You will find it wondrous, no doubt, that you have changed so much but think of yourself the same way. You are a great husband. You are a great dog owner. You are retired, but were a great boss. You are a great dad.
I truly believe that you are all these things. But I am not you. Not yet.
-Mitch